Lost or Never There?

It's like a dream come true.

2010-01-22T08:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows my littlest guy knows he's a penguin addict. He loves them and has several that he insists join him at bedtime. For Christmas he was asked several times for months what he wanted and his answer was "another penguin lovey". He had three identical plush penguins that he had named, penguin-penguin, Mr. Penguin, and Dr. Penguin. Due to their constant cuddles, squeezes, kisses, and playtimes, they now have distinguishing characteristics and he insists we call them by their correct names.
So of course on Christmas morning, Santa obliged his simple request and he received this big guy who he named all on his own. Meet 'Marshmellow Penguin'.

Of course, he needed to have the comfort of his new friend on Christmas night. Luckily he has since been happy with Marshmellow Penguin sleeping beside the crib.

Well, the St. Louis Zoo had a fabulous treat for Nathan. Last Sunday, we surprised the boys with a trip to the zoo. When we sat down on the ground across from a bear exhibit, Nathan was quite wiggly and asking if we could go see other animals, but he was patient and smiley. Then he got a wonderful surprise!

Tis the season to be weary

2009-12-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

The holiday season makes me feel so warm and fuzzy and I love to hear the stories of people who do such selfless things for others. I know that those things happen every day, but around this time of year, I think people do them more and the news and such definitely talks about them more often.

Well, unfortunately, we've also been programmed in today's society to be careful of strangers and always be thinking of our safety. As a parent that is magnified. I am always aware of people around me in parking lots and where my kids are when we are out in public. I still like to use a stroller when we are at the mall only because that means I have one of them kids contained and can easily keep the other one close while I shop. It's just that while there are so many good people, there are too many people yet, that aren't good and we have to be careful.

So here's a couple stories for you:
Last week, I went to run some errands with Nathan, while Carson was at school. I finished at the Walmart and had my cart with Nathan in the front and the basket full of bags and bags. I was at the trunk of my car, shifting around the other things I'd bought that day to make room for all my bags to fit and the man who collects carts came up behind us. He was friendly and talked to Nathan and I some. He had a thick accent and Nathan didn't understand him much, but he was chatting with Nathan nonetheless. I had only begun to put my 20 or so bags into the car and so it was quite awhile before I was ready to go. I was nervous with him being there so close to us. I couldn't help but think, 'he could have taken that vest from the breakroom and not even really work here'. I kept looking around to see where others were in case I needed to scream or run. I asked him to take some of my heavy bags and put them into the passenger seat of the car to have some time with him away from us. Then when I was done, I got Nathan out of the cart and waited for him to take it away. He kept chatting with us about our holiday plans and I finally began to put Nathan into the car, but I left my purse on top of the car because I thought, if he wants to rob me, he can just take my purse and go. I wouldn't strap Nathan in because if this guy was going to steal my car, I wanted to be able to grab Nathan out. It was awful to have those things going through my head while this man was so nicely talking to us and making Nathan laugh by HO HO HOing like Santa. Finally, he took our cart and went and gathered other ones and I quickly fastened Nathan and jumped into the car with the doors locked. I felt awful for being so weary of such a very nice person.

That same night, Greg had taken the boys with him for a quick run to the grocery store for something I'd forgotten. On his way home, he called me and told me that he was in the neighborhood, but that someone was following him and flashing their lights and honking at him. He drove around and around, not coming to our house (as the police say you shouldn't go home if someone is following you). Finally he said he seemed to have lost the person. I told him to head home, but to pull into our neighbor's driveway (he's a big man) and I'd meet them outside. Then he said, the person was back, this time he could finally see the person and see that that it was a woman who was waving at him. He was near the house and other neighbors and he stopped the car. She came up to the car and bless her heart this woman was amazingly sweet. Greg had used the self-checkout at the grocery store and this woman was behind him in line, Greg had gotten cash back, but left it in the machine at the store. This angel of a woman rushed to finish her checkout and saw him leaving the parking lot and followed him all the way from the grocery store to our neighborhood and then around and around as he drove in circles trying to evade this kind follower.

So, while I still say, 'we must be careful', there are such wonderful people in this world and I hope that we can all take time to notice the wonderful people around us this holiday season and every day.

Apple Picking

2009-10-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

We went apple picking for the first time a few weeks ago. My sister's family goes every year and so they introduced us to the fun of it.

The boys had a blast! They loved it. We had two different varieties to choose from this time. My favorites; red delicious and some I'd never tried before that were yummy, golden delicious. You are allowed/encouraged to eat all the apples you want while in the field and then you buy ones to bring home. Carson had decided before we got there that he was going to pick 22 apples. I'm not sure where he got that number from, but he was certain and that's exactly how many he picked.

My sweet, little niece, Maeve, taught Nathan how to pick them and helped him to find some he could reach that were good ones. She showed him to twist the apple and pull and he got great at it.

All that picking sure can make you tired. Nathan was enjoying a warm cuddle with Daddy on the wagon ride back out of the orchard. It was a great day for everyone and it will definitely be a family tradition. Maybe even one we will continue with my sister's family. I know they have other crops of fruits at different times of the year as well. I can't wait until strawberry season. I'm sure Nathan will eat his money's worth while in the field.

Little Mr. Attitude!

2009-10-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today at nap time, I was putting on Nathan's brace. He still likes to do the right insert by himself sometimes, but other times, he's busy talking or singing and I just do it.
As I was strapping the left shoe, he picked up the insert and the pringle to the left shoe. He leaned forward so he was only about 3 inches from my face and held the pringle about an inch from my face and very forcefully waved it at me, while harshly declaring, "I do the pringle, by myself!"
Whoa! Okay, if he was a teenager, I'd have had to hold myself back from smacking that smart mouth right off of him, but since he's only a little two year old, I had to hold myself back from laughing and make myself be firm with him.
Yes, I did take the pringle and talked to him about him being rude and refused to let him do it which of course, caused a fit, but I wasn't about to let him get away with that tone of voice, no matter how adorable it may sound coming from a toddler.
It did get me thinking, I wonder how many times he's seen me hold something up in front of Carson's face like that? Where else would he have gotten that gesture? I'm sure I must have done this when upset with Carson. It's so hard to be a role model when you aren't even aware of all of your own behaviors.

Peace to you, Dr. Ponseti

2009-10-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am sure a man who worked into his 90's did not simply pass away and decide to 'rest in peace'. So I wish you peace, and love in your everlasting life. I hope you do take some time to simply rest and recognize all the things you have done for so many families around the world.
I am saddened at the loss, but it is a blessing that he lived such a long life and did not linger, suffering. I hope he is watching all his little miracles running along.
My love and prayers for comfort go out to Helena and all of Dr. Ponseti's family and friends.

Read a bit of Dr. Ponseti's amazing story. His story is wonderful beyond his clubfoot treatment.

Praying for Dr. Ponseti

2009-10-17T09:58:00.001-07:00

I was heartbroken to read this message posted on the clubfoot message board that I belong to:

This is Dr. Michael Colburn.

I just got off the phone with Helena Ponseti and was informed that Dr. Ponseti has suffered a stroke and is in the hospital. He is paralyzed and cannot speak. The outlook is poor. Helena appreciates all of your thoughts and prayers. He was to speak at the Ponseti conference tomorrow and Helena will be speaking for him. I will post again when I hear any more information.

Dr. Ponseti is the reason my little man runs around the house like a madman every day. He's the reason Nathan can do all that running with no pain at all. Nathan was born with a club foot and Dr. Ignacio Ponseti developed a method of treatment that requires no surgery, and taught his method to other doctors (including Dr. Dobbs who treats Nathan.) Not only does that mean these little babies with clubfoot don't have to suffer the pain of surgery and recovery, the risks of general anestesia, have multiple surgeries as they grow, but it means that he will be able to have a life free from pain.

Nathan is a magnificent jumper and I have no doubt that despite his tiny size (those are 18month sized pants falling off of him) and the lack of athletic ability in both of his parents, he'll be quite an athlete. Shortly after he started walking, he was giving Tigger a run for his money when it came to bouncing.

Our family's prayers go out to Dr. Ponseti and his family.

More of Nathan's clubfoot story can be read in these posts:
Nathan's Clubfoot

A few second video of Nathan in his brace

Me Do! Me Do!

Why not U.S.? Please Read.

2009-08-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

I know this may seem trivial to many people out there, but if you have a child with allergies or a child who loves granola bars and is school age, it matters.

Carson is now in preschool and as with almost all schools nowadays, snacks (and sometimes even lunches) brought into the school must be peanut free. I am lucky to not have a child with this allergy, but it is a scary as heck allergy. They are so severe usually that it takes so little to send a child to the hospital and this allergy kills.

We were buying snacks for Carson's preschool and he wanted to buy granola bars, but we can't because there are none on the U.S. market that are peanut safe. Upon researching and looking for a brand that was safe, I found that Quaker has a COMPLETELY peanut and tree nut free facility in Canada (as does Mars candy company). I called Quaker to see if I could purchase those somewhere around me.

Well, guess what? You CAN'T! They are not sold at all in the U.S. Not only was the lady quick to inform me of that, but she was very rude to me about it. When I told her that I would like her to make a report of my call and pass it along so that the company could see that there is a demand in the U.S., she got really huffy with me. Apparently, I was somehow disturbing her busy day of Quaker customer service.

I am asking EVERYONE to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE for the sake of all the children out there with peanut allergies and also the families affected by school age non-allergic children being limited to call Quaker and request that they offer these safe products here in the U.S.

They answered the phone quickly and it will only take 1-2 minutes. Specifically ask that they make a report of the call or they will just say, 'they aren't available in the U.S. and hang up. Please, think of all the time you are sitting doing nothing or are waiting in line at the drive thru or for many of us, waiting in the car pick-up line at school. Please take these 2 minutes.

They are open from 7-5 central time. Thanks.
1-800-367-6287

When I grow up, I want to be...

2009-08-19T07:29:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I had an appointment with an ENT. He was young and hilarious. He loves kids and the boys were so good there. He was funny and for a very unknown reason, decided to stick a 8 inch long q-tip into his nose which was ewwww, but kind of cool. Anyhow, when we got home, Carson told Greg that when he grows up, he's going to be a doctor just like Dr. Hobson (who's really Dr. Hanson). That is the FIRST time Carson has ever said he wants to be ______ when he grows up other than to want to be Spiderman or a lion. I thought it was so sweet. I was just ear to ear smiling.

Well, yesterday was his very first time at school (preschool). In fact his first time left alone with anyone but family. He loved it and had a great time. He didn't hesitate at all and actually complained that I was taking too many pictures and he just wanted to go to school. He gladly stepped out of the car and off he went without even a hug. He's only going three days a week. He's disappointed he can't go today so I told him that we were going to see Dr. Hanson today. I reminded him about his wanting to be a doctor like Dr. Hanson when he grows up. He said, very seriously, "But Mommy, I want to be a TEACHER when I grow up".

Oh, can you feel my heart swell? I teared up. Not because I'm a teacher and I like the idea of him following in my footsteps, but because this preschool and his teachers, have given him such a very warm first school experience that he wants to be a teacher. He wants to go to school every day. I know it's just preschool and that as he gets older and has to spend time doing seat work and there's no more toys in the room, that he will likely feel differently. However, I believe there is nothing more important in a child's educational career than the first experience and first teacher. I think that this first year sets the stage for the ' I like school. or I hate school.' feeling.

I asked him when I picked him up if he liked school. He replied with a look of , well duh Mom, "I like school and I LOVE school!" He was really looking at me like, of course I do, it's the best place on Earth, why would you even ask that?

I could not be any more thrilled. I hope that this continues. I know it's only been one day, but my anxiety is squashed and my heart is swollen up with pride for him and admiration for this school program.

By the way, this is a preschool through our public school district.We could never have afforded to send him to preschool. We even checked into part time programs at private centers, and I'd just resigned myself to the fact that he would not have the preschool advantage, but the school district began this program this year. It's very cheap so that we struggling parents can afford it. We still couldn't afford full time, but this is a huge advantage for him and I am so thankful to our school district. He has high quality curriculum, learning through play, certified teachers, a playground indoor and outdoor, a room full of equipment, toys, books, an assistant with a college education and experience, a toddler size bathroom, and a very small class-size. I am so happy we moved here. I am just thrilled (can you tell).

What....

2009-06-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Parenting Help

2009-06-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Carson is in some sort of awful phase. At least I pray a hundred times a day it's a phase. I hope I'm not a horrible parent whose caused this. I wonder all day if I'm too lenient, too strict, something? He spends his entire day arguing, fighting with Nathan and us. He will hit or grab Nathan's arms and sometimes even do a little soft smack to us. It's hard to be patient with this. I'm trying, really trying. I am so sick and tired.
He keeps getting out of bed. He's running around the house. We are putting him back over and over and not giving him attention by talking at all to him. We just keep putting him back. He's coming right back out over and over and running from us. He's laughing and claiming he's going to lock us in his room and all kinds of crazy stuff. I put him back about 20 times and each time I took a toy from his room. Now Greg is doing it and he's probably about 15 times now.
Is this a phase, his age, my parenting? Is this going to end? How do I deal with this? Any ideas? How do I end this? We do time outs, we take away toys, we let him earn things for good behavior. I don't know what else to do.

Put down your cup so milk doesn't come out your nose while you are laughing at this

2009-06-20T19:54:00.000-07:00

Funny Child Moment
Today was my nephew's birthday party. My sister's house has a pool so it was an outdoor pool party. To get to the bathroom you have to go up a big set of stairs and into the house and through the kitchen. So after all but very close family and friends left, the rest of us were around and a little boy was doing the pee pee dance. He of course didn't want to dry off and go up the stairs and such so (and I'm sure some of you will be shaming us all) my uncle showed him to just go to the back side of the pool (it's a big above ground with a deck) and pee outside in the grass. So Carson then says he needs to potty so I told him to go ask Uncle Mike to show he the 'outside potty'. Carson has never even heard of the concept of peeing anywhere but a potty, but he was willing to just go with the idea. So Uncle Mike showed him a spot. Then he proudly came to tell Daddy that he pooped. Oh yes, my son crapped like a dog in my sister's backyard. I'm laughing my butt off just typing that out.

Nathan's balancing act

2009-06-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

This boy cracks me up that nothing seems to deter him from doing anything he wants.

Judgement day

2009-06-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

I had to drive somewhere today so starting the new meds was put off until tomorrow morning. Prescriptions always say not to drive on them until you know how they affect you so I didn't want to start today.

So.....tomorrow is judgement day. A special shout out to Tammy for calming me down some about trying something new (yet again).

Prayer or cross your fingers or whatever it is you do, please.

one or the other

2009-06-16T12:27:00.001-07:00

Yesterday's appointment with the new psychiatrist was just so different that I don't even know how to take it. We were there an hour (not waiting, but with him, talking). He seemed to listen and asked lots of questions. I left there feeling very hopeful and then of course as time has passed, my negative side is creeping in. I've pretty much decided that he's either fantastic or a quack. I don't think there is any in between. So please pray he's on the fantastic end. He asked my family and I to look over a couple of medication options to try and to call him back with what I thought. I will hopefully be starting a new medication on Thursday. I'm nervous after the whole Abilify thing. (Can't remember if I blogged about that.) I just want this to work.

That boy is his own tornado.

2009-06-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today while I was in the bedroom trying to fold some laundry, Nathan decided to step away from his playtime with Carson and go make a huge mess. He got the huge bag of the guinea pigs bedding and the jumbo bag of timothy hay and spread it all over the floor in the living room, hallway, Carson's room and even Carson's bed. I vacuumed and vacuumed and finally the vacuum broke. It will no longer suck and just blows the stuff all over. So Greg has to take it apart and try to see if it's clogged somewhere or what. The carpet is only somewhat clean.
That boy is so in love with being messy.

Strawberry Peanut Butter M&M's

2009-06-09T14:47:00.001-07:00

Seriously? Is anyone else disgusted at this candy idea?

Today is awful

2009-06-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so depressed. This is ridiculous and I can't wait for this new doctor's appointment next Monday. Please God let him be able to help me. I am just getting worse and worse. On my 1-10 scale (5 being normal, 10 being crazy enough to think I could fly or something and 1 being suicidal thoughts), I'm a 1. Scaring myself and I shouldn't have let my mom leave today after their visit to see the boys.

Why can't I be on that other end, at least the 10 sounds kind of fun. (just kidding- sort of)

He shouldn't have noticed

2009-06-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Carson just warmed my heart and made me sad at the same time with the same sentence.

"Mommy, I just saw your smile."

Should a barely 4 year old notice that his mommy smiled and now that it is a rare look?

An example of my brain's babbling

2009-06-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I read an article today that listed 10 things to do in order to improve your sleep. I read these all the time and let me tell you, if you've read one, you've pretty much read them all.

Today's article listed one thing that I've read before, but that always makes me laugh.

'If your mind is racing, write down what's on your mind." Now, I'm assuming that this is supposed to mean that you write things down and then your mind lets you move on and forget about it so you can sleep.

Oh, thus one of the many screwy problems with my mind. This is another opportunity to explain the oddness that is my brain.

This does not work for me (and yes, I have tried). If something is on my mind and I write it down so I can get to bed, my mind does not 'let it go'. It doesn't have to be a worry. Most nights, I'm not really worried about anything. My mind simply wanders.

A little example of my brain's inner workings... say I am thinking about something funny that I saw on TV. It's stuck in my mind, so I get up and write it down, (like all the articles suggest). I crawl back into bed and get comfy and my mind then begins it ridiculous quest.
'Hmmm that was a yellow pen. I wonder where that came from. Why even make a yellow pen? It's hard to read. It is pretty though. I bet I got it in a set with some other colors that I wanted, or maybe it was left on my desk by a student and just became my pen. Remember when 'Johnny' was playing with that gold fish bottle opener/keyring during class and I took it and told him to get it at the end of the day and he never asked for it again and I found it in a bunch of my desk stuff a year later? Why do teens insist on having stuff if they don't even care when they lose it? Kids have too much stuff nowadays. My kids have too much stuff. I think I'll actually be happier when they are older and their stuff costs more, because at least then it's smaller and I won't need so much room to store all their toys and keep them organized. I wonder if Carson's hair will darken or if he'll still be blonde when he's older......

It goes on and on and on. My psych asked me once what I worry about at night. I told her it's not really worries, just weird thoughts and that for instance one night I was up forever trying to think how to spell a word (no I don't remember what word it was). She said, "you should have just gotten up and looked it up and then you could have gone to sleep". HAHA Obviously, she does not suffer from brain babble.

Smart Mouths

2009-06-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

When I taught in South Carolina, the orchestra room was next door to my class (well sound-proofed, thank goodness). The orchestra teacher was a much older woman, very tiny and thin with gray hair. She looked like a sweet grandma, but she was darn crazy and hilarious. She was a hoot and her students new that if they worked hard that they could be silly at times and she was okay with that.
She split her days between the middle school and the high school, just like I did.
Well, the high school made a new rule and sent out a memo to the teachers asking them to announce it in all their classes.

The rule: You cannot say "crap" or "sucks" anymore. They were considered foul language.

She announced this to her class and one of her students yelled out, "This crap sucks!"

She replied with, "No, it's this shit blows!"

Why teenagers are having sex and using drugs more now

2009-05-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

Our anniversary was this weekend and my parents were sweet enough to keep the boys so we could have a date night. We decided to see a movie and have dinner out.

While at the theater, I realized why teenagers are using drugs and having sex more often. It's not because their bored. It's because they can't afford the movies!

Seriously, should it cost $40 for a couple to see a movie?

What high school student can afford to take their girlfriend out to a movie on the weekends or see a flick with their friends?

What the World Needs Now is Love

2009-05-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

I do not understand the argument that allowing same-sex marriage cheapens/changes/diminishes the importance of traditional marriage. How? No one's marriage; no teenagers who are not even clear on the true meaning of love; No celebrity who is married every 4 months for only a week at a time; No polygamist marriage(s).... NO MARRIAGE diminishes the importance of my marriage to my husband. If you believe that your love, vows, unity, commitment, etc in your own traditional marriage is compromised by allowing same-sex couples to marry, please, please explain how. Explain to me why your feelings of love and commitment are changed by the actions of people outside of your union.

If you are using the name of God to protest equal rights for gay people, I have a question. This is not made to be insulting, just a question about how it's justified based on what I, as a Christian, was taught.

God made his children. We are all his children.
God is perfect. He does not make mistakes.
God gave us each natural feelings and emotions. He gave us sexual feelings as well. He gave us feelings of love beyond friendship.
God wants us to commit to the one we love and to be faithful to them.

So...how is God a reason to not allow two people who are his children, his perfect children, to love one another and commit to each other under the presence of God and family?

Before you tell me that being homosexual is a choice. Seriously? First get an education in biology.
Homosexuality is how a person is made, how God made them. Asking them to pretend they are not gay, is asking them to deny the person God made them to be. The person God choose for them to be.
There are many strong traditional families that have more than one homosexual child.
Get an education in common sense.
Explain to me why millions of people would choose to live a life loving someone they didn't really feel that kind of love towards. Why would they deny themselves basic civil rights? Why would they make their lives insanely difficult at many times? Answer: no one would.

Now comes the absurdity of those who argue that if we allow same-sex marriage, then we make it okay for children to be raised by homosexuals and that is dangerous for children. The ridiculous argument that children are harmed by being raised by a gay couple or will become gay only because they were raised by a gay couple makes me furious and hysterical with laughter at the same time.
Children need parents who love them, respect them, hold them, teach them, listen to them, feed them, and give them all the things they need. Many children are raised in 'untraditional' homes. Millions of children are raised in single parent homes, adoptive homes, foster homes, abusive homes of various kinds, homes with a mom and a dad who are in no way in love with one another, group homes, boxes on the street with no parents. There are not many of those homes that I would want my children going to if something happened to us.

I guess all in all, I don't understand the reason for hating anyone, spreading that hate, allowing your differing opinion to diminish the sanctity of your own union. I do not understand not wanting children to have homes where they are loved.

Now my other boy is getting big too fast too

2009-05-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, Nathan turned 2 years old. How are my boys growing up so fast? Having their birthdays so close together makes it extra hard when I'm having those, 'they are growing up too fast' feelings.

Sweet little Nathan seemed to understand that it was a special day for him. We actually celebrated both the boys birthdays with family together so we had two cakes and two rounds of Happy Birthday.

They both loved opening their presents and tore right into them. One of the things I love about little kids is that they really appreciate their presents. They would tear into a gift and get so excited. They want it opened right then and there to play with. All the other gifts are left unwrapped while they enjoy the one they just opened. We have to remind them to stop and open something new.

When it was cake time, Nathan was bawling his eyes out. He did not like the fiery candles and so his cousin, Maeve, blew them out for him. When it was time to eat cake, he just picked at it mostly. He wasn't all that interested in it. Instead he enjoyed some of the fantastic blackberries and strawberries that Grandpa had brought him. Nothing could be a better dessert to Nathan than berries.

Grandpa made him a special kind of birthday 'cake'.

Raising him well

2009-05-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, Carson may be a pill sometimes, but overall, I'm so proud of how sweet and empathetic he is.
Yesterday, I could not stay awake. I literally slept all day long and when I would wake up, it wasn't for long and I was exhausted. About 5:30, I woke up (again) on the living room couch and was trying hard to stay awake. Carson had been outside with his daddy. He came in to use the potty and when he was done, he said, "Mommy do you want to go outside and sit in the green chair? I will help you walk out there."
He was so serious about being there to 'help' me. I said, "Okay sweetie."
When I stood up, he took my hand with both of his and said, "just walk slow and I'll help you so you don't fall." He held my hand the entire way through the house and outside. Greg looked confused as Carson helped me to the chair outside. I just smiled.
I'm not sure why he thought that I needed help walking, maybe because I was so tired all day I was stumbling everywhere I went, but could a child be sweeter?

ME DO! ME DO!

2009-05-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

Nathan has entered the 'do it himself stage'. It's actually been this way for a couple months. I love it most of the time because it's so adorable to watch him try and do things himself, but oh boy does it make trying to get ready for something quickly just impossible.
His other new independent demand is that he must be allowed to put on his brace by himself at naptime and bedtime. Of course for the sake of his foot, I can't allow this, so we have a compromise that as of now, he's willing to accept. He gets to put the insert and the pringle onto his foot and then I actually put his foot into his brace. Then I have to put the straps through the buckles and hold them tight while he pushes the velcro the rest of the way down.
If he finds his brace anywhere around the house he will spend forever sitting quietly and practicing putting it on himself. I must admit there have been times when he's driving me crazy so I give it to him just to keep him busy.
It's just funny to look back now and think about how worried I was that this would be so awful for him and make it so hard for him to sleep.

Jack In The Box is a bad influence! Please spread the word.

2009-05-11T18:28:00.000-07:00

Greg took Friday off to have a special day with the boys at the Zoo Friends Day. He decided he wanted to make a whole special day of it.
He said he wanted to have breakfast at Jack in the Box before the zoo. (He really just wanted an excuse for their chicken biscuit.)
As we sat at the table eating our greasy breakfast, Carson says, "Jack isn't wearing a helmet on his motorcycle and that's against the law!" He had a very strong tone of disapproval in his voice.
I looked around to see what he was talking about and he pointed to a poster on the wall of Jack on a motor scooter driving in heavy traffic. He kept telling us that was 'bad' and 'against the law'.
I told him that later we could email Jack or call him and tell him. He was very interested in the idea of calling. So we called the 1-800 number from the restaurant and Carson informed the customer service rep of this unlawful and dangerous behavior Jack was involved in. The man seemed to be a bit confused as to why would we call with this comment, he obviously has no children.
So yet, it was a funny observation for my just turned 4 year old to make, but as I sat there thinking about it, I thought, shouldn't Jack be showing the kids the right thing to do? I mean shouldn't he be more concerned about his safety? He did just survive a horrible accident, coma, and attempted take-over. Did he not learn any lesson from this?
Jack, I am disappointed and I think you owe it to the public to begin an immediate PSA promoting the importance of helmet safety.

My boy is four!

2009-05-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today is Carson's birthday. I know it's such a cliche, but I can't believe how fast time has gone. It just doesn't seem possible for him to be just a year away from kindergarten. He will start preschool in just a few months and I wonder what he will be like as a student.
I got a developmental email from babycenter today and it mentioned that 3 year olds are energetic and 4 year olds are the same, but with more self-control and a better understanding of the rules. REALLY? It seems like the last 2-3 weeks, Carson has been insane. He seems wilder than usual and just the loudest he can possibly be.
This year was the first year I've told him it was his birthday. Previously, I've just told him it was his birthday on the day we had his party so as not to confuse him. Well, he seems to understand the difference in his birthday and his party day, but he's not happy about it. He wants to know where his friends are and he wants to have his party and his presents and his balloons now. He has mentioned several times that he wants ALL his friends to come over today. This is funny since he really only has one friend and his two cousins.
I let him have a special day and choose lunch, which of course led us to McD's. Ugh. He loved it though because for some reason eating inside the McD's is just fantastic. He immediately announced it was his birthday to the cashier. The manager overheard and after he'd eaten his Happy Meal, she brought him a bunch of mini M&M's (I'm sure from making McFlurries). He was on cloud 9. I then took him to the grocery store and told him he could pick cupcakes or a little cake for dessert tonight. He got a chocolate cake with white icing and about 8 pounds of colorful frosting balloons. For dinner we went to Pizza Hut and yeah, Connie was their so we requested her section and ordered a $10 Panourmous. What a day full of about 1000 calories more than a child should ever consume.
I swore to myself that I would catch up on the scrapbooks before their birthdays, and yet Carson's 3rd year is barely started and Nathan is more behind. So much for self-promises.

We're "Regulars"

2009-04-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

My depression has been pretty bad lately and especially this week. I need to get out of the house and I also have very little desire to do anything or eat or much of any usual behaviors. So I've found that lunch out gets me out of the house, prompts me to eat, and also takes care of the so lazy that I might just give the boys junk for lunch.
Well, we tend to do the Pizza Hut buffet when we go to lunch. There aren't a lot of options in our town and I don't care for typical fast food places so that's a compromise that isn't too costly.
When we went today, we walked in and were greeted with a 'hello' and then an "I'll grab you a high chair". Then I hear the woman say, "Tell Connie her regulars are here and I'm putting them at their usual booth."
Our sweet waitress, a young girl named Connie, brings my boys their half glasses of water, my regular Pepsi, and the two small plastic cups for sauce that my boys like to use for dipping. She then proceeds to greet Carson and Nathan by name.
After I get the boys some pizza and sit down, Carson points to a group of Sheriffs deputies and says, "Hey my policemen are here again too." So at least we're not the only regulars around there.
While part of me knows that it means we are there WAY too often, it's also nice to be recognized and appreciated as a customer and have a part of my day where I feel relaxed and see smiles all around.

Okay, which organ are we supposed to take out?

2009-04-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

In February of 2006 around 8 pm I started having horrible stomach pains and I felt like I had to throw up and also like I needed to poo. It got worse and worse to the point where I was up all night and crying and shaking and having difficulty even standing up. I was hot and vomiting. Finally after hours of this and a couple hours of telling Greg that we were not going to wake up Carson (who was not even a year old yet), I decided to drive myself to the local ER.
Dumb idea. I was driving there about 3am; crying, shaking, trying not to vomit in the car and truly believing there was a major problem. As I drove, I passed a police car and kept praying he would pull me over. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even think straight and figure out that I could just stop by the policeman and tell him I needed to go to the ER. I finally got to the hospital and parked in the regular parking area, not the ER pull-up. I tried to exit the car and fell to the ground. I could not get up, there was no one around, so I crawled through the snow (no hyperbole here folks) into the ER. The nurse made me sign in. Oh yes and the *itch even made me give her my insurance card and such before I was taken back to a room.
I was sitting on the bed and a very grouchy nurse came in to start an IV. I was sitting still and crying and just saying over and over, "it hurts, someone help me". I knew she was there, but when you're in pain sometimes repeating things over and over is a distraction. The nurse snapped at me and said, "I'm trying to help you!"
I called my parents who live about 30 or so minutes away because I was still not willing to let Greg wake up Carson and bring him to the ER. My parents arrived quickly and the hospital had still done nothing at this point except give me a mild pain medicine and fluids. I had not even see the doctor yet or even had someone so much as push on my belly.
Shortly after my parents arrived the doctor came in and said they were sending me for a CT scan. I had a regular CT scan of my abdominal area with no contrast or anything. No other tests were done. After this CT the doctor came in and informed us that the test was inconclusive. There was nothing on the test to explain the pain. He told my mother that when that happens it's appendicitis and that an infected appendix is usually inconclusive. He told my parents and I that my appendix had to be removed immediately and he'd already contacted the surgeon.
Now this town we live in is small, very small, still full of farm supply stores and the like. This is not much of a hospital and not affiliated with any other area hospitals or doctors. My mom was concerned and asked that I be transferred to another hospital. The doctor looked my mother in the eye and told her there was no time for that and I would likely die in transit.
So I was rushed to surgery in this little town before sunrise that Monday morning. After the surgery, I was admitted for observation. I was feeling all better and thought well, I it all worked out. The surgeon came in later that day and told me that my appendix was sent to pathology and they would contact me with the results, but that my appendix appeared normal and healthy.
????? I thought, I have no idea WTH that means, but figured, hell the pain was gone so woohoo I'm happy.

Almost exactly one month later, I was at work and the pain came back. I was alone in my classroom and I crawled on the floor to the door and asked a student in the hallway to help me to the office. The student got another teacher who helped me and another teacher drove me to my regular doctor. He immediately sent me for an u/s. Within just a couple minutes and a very cheap and simple ultrasound I was told I had a gallbladder that was stretched and completely full of small-medium sized gallstones. I was given some pain meds and had a surgery scheduled to remove the gallbladder a few days later.

So a few morals here:
*Don't ever drive yourself to the ER when you can barely stand
*Don't ever go to a hick town ER if you can at all help it
*Don't have your appendix removed without a complete battery of tests
*Make your doctor start with the simple tests first
and last, but not least
*Sometimes the prospect of 'dying in transit' is the better option. hehe

BTW- I did not have to pay anything for that 'appendix' trip after a couple of phone calls were made.

Cute Question

2009-04-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today at lunch Carson told me that milk comes from cows and then proceeded to ask, "What animal does water come from?"

'It comes from the ocean, lakes, rivers.'

"Who put it in there????"

"God"

"Well, that was silly of him."

Kiss and Make-Up

2009-04-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

After our Easter morning at home, I dressed the kids for Mimi and Grandpa's house and after I went to get myself presentable for the family holiday get together.
I got dressed, brushed my hair (though still it's usual pony tail), and put on make-up.
As I was making sure we hadn't forgotten anything, Greg put the boys into the car. I got into the car and Greg ran into the house for the one thing we'd forgotten. I turned around to tell Carson where his daddy had gone and he said, "Mommy, what's wrong with your eyes?" I was perplexed and looked into the rearview mirror. I didn't notice anything. I said, "What do you mean?" He replied, "What's wrong with them? Why are they like that?"
I realized that I was wearing make-up. Including eyeshadow. All for the benefit of my mother.
As you can surmise, make-up is a very rare thing for me. Almost as rare as my hair not being in a pony tail. I am the 'before' woman in the Suave "Motherhood isn't Always Beautiful" campaign.

The Essence of Romance

2009-04-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

What is romance? To me it's not flowers on Valentine's Day, that's a waste of money for roses that have been marked up extremely high just for this day.
It's not jewelry, any man and most men can go to the mall and pick out something shiny.

Now, if you love a Gerber Daisy and your man surprises you with one or several on a random day in September, that's romance. If he gets you a special jewel or setting that symbolizes something unique and meaningful, that's romance.

BUT, no man is as romantic as my man. He knows that romance is about doing something unexpected, unique, and truly meaningful. Something that says, 'I've listened to you. Watched you. Heard what you said. Saw what you need.'

The two most romantic things Greg (and any man I know) have ever done:

When we were early in our dating period, Greg surprised me with a little Easter basket. One of the items was a large bag of Starburst. I thought it was so sweet because I hadn't even remembered telling him they were my favorite candy. A little later we were on the couch and I opened the bag. I was very confused. They were all pink and orange. It took me a few seconds to realize that he must have done this. My sweet new beau had bought a few bags of Starburst, split a tiny hole in one and removed all of them. He then used all the bags to refill the one with only my two favorite flavors and carefully glued the bag back together so I would never notice.

Most likely none of you will understand why this next gesture was so special, but here goes. When we lived in SC I was incredibly ill from allergies. I had lived months with sinus infections and respitory infections. I was on meds, an inhaler, shots, and kept humidifiers with Vicks in my classroom and home. My allergist finally told us to move. One night I was crying, coughing, and wheezing. I couldn't find Kleenex in the room I was in and had to go to the other room to get some. I made a comment about needing Kleenex in every room of the house. I came home from work the following day to find boxes of Kleenex everywhere in our tiny apartment. There must have been at least 30.

Brag on your special guy or gal. What have they done special for you?

It's an Easter Miracle, Charlie Brown!

2009-04-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, please Lord, hear my prayer on Easter and let this not be a one time for the next few months thing....

Carson pooped in the potty at my parents today. This potty-training pooping thing is really wearing me down. He was such a mess today trying to hold it all in and it's been days since he's gone so I made him sit in the upstairs bathroom until he went. We read books over and over and he tried a few times to get up and squeeze his cheeks, but I stuck to my rule and he eventually went. Of course then he was all happy and felt better, but I am not holding my breath that this is the end of the struggle. I am however praying and praying.

How do I accept this? Please give advice.

2009-04-02T12:42:00.001-07:00

I knew the day would come. I know that I have to find a way to work through it, but it's so hard for me to see Carson exposed to stuff I don't want him to be exposed to.

We have neighbors up the street who have a child just a few days younger than Carson. They are the only neighbors we know with a child his age and his mother and I enjoy chatting together while the kids are playing.

They usually come down to our house, but the last couple times, she's invited us to come visit them and once even kept Carson for me for a few hours. It's difficult for me though because they have a very different type of household. I think overall, our parenting styles are not that different. To the best of my knowledge, they do not use corporal punishment, I've see her implement time-outs effectively and appropriately, they eat healthy (even better than we do), and she praises their achievements and believes their educations are important.

However, we don't allow weapons as toys. No guns, swords, pretending to be a power ranger, etc. My boys were NEVER even aware of those things until being around their son. (We'll call me Johnny). Almost everything Johnny plays is a gun, sword, light saber, etc. That's when he is playing. He wants to spend the entire time playing video games. Now Carson has a V-Smile that he plays about once every couple months for about 30 minutes. He really has no interest and never asks. Johnny however has a Nintendo Wii (which I've not seen him play), an XBox, and a Playstation. He plays very (to me) violent games where skeletons attack the guy and he cuts them open with swords, people kick the crap out of each other, people shoot bad guys, etc. Even when his mom tells him to turn it off, then he just talks constantly about it. Carson will even ask him to play something with him and Johnny will just say, I don't want to. "I want to play my game." and then pout b/c his mom says no or talk about it and act out the shooting or kicking.

I want Carson to have friends and I love that they are so close and the same age and that I enjoy talking to his mother. His mom also has depression as well and so we've been able to be so open with each other and can call one another when we are having bad days.

I am having the hardest time though with Carson talking about these things or wanting to have those kinds of toys. I don't like know that he wants to kick at stuff or pretend he has a sword that he's cutting his brother in half with. When we stop him and talk to him about it, he stops, but it's a conversation every time we've played with this child. Carson understands that Johnny's house has different rules about what's okay than our house, but now Carson says he wants to go there so he can watch Johnny play those games or so he can play guns.

How as a mother do I deal with this? How as a mother do I accept that I can't control everything he will be exposed to in this world?

Learning to Read

2009-03-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

Carson is doing so well with his pre-reading skills. He knows his basic letter phonics and he's started putting some words together and sounding them out. When I give him a word he can tell me what it starts with and he loves to say words and then tell me what they start with and sometimes what they end with.

Yesterday he started sounding out some words: 'at' words, 'ad' words, and some others. He loves to show off what he knows.

Unfortunately he still has NO interest what so ever in coloring, drawing, chalking, etc so he can't write a single letter or so much as draw a decent looking circle.

Well, get there I'm sure, but I've just never known a child that doesn't want to draw and color. We have about every writing instrument available for him, but no interest.

Getting to Know Me (then 6 of you)

2009-03-25T16:56:00.001-07:00

My sister tagged me on her blog a couple weeks ago in this random little game. I am supposed to share with you all six random things about myself and then tag six others to do the same. So here goes:

1) I check my blog a couple times each day hoping to see comments.

2) I pick up accents way to easily. I pick them up well and deeply. When I moved to SC, I did some student teaching in a small, very rural, area in the mountains and my accent became so thick that my own sister and parents could often not understand what I was saying. Looking back at video of myself at that school, I can't understand much of what I'm saying either, but those kids sure could. It's all fine and good in a situation like that, but if I'm speaking to a person say with a thick British accent, I will have to be very careful to not use that accent during our conversation. It has happened to me a time or two and is quite embarrassing because it seems as if I'm suddenly making fun of them which is not at all my intent.

3) I once dated a guy who lived in a very, very small MO town. When I went to his town for the first time, an older man approached us and Brian (my boyfriend at the time) introduced to me the man as, "This is Mr. Smith. He's the mayor, the chief of police, and my history teacher." Prior to that day, I did not know you could hold all those titles at once.

4) I MUST have weight on me when I sleep. If I could afford a weighted blanket I would without a doubt own one. I instead have an ancient sleeping bag from back in the day when they weighed a ton. The sleeping bag is about 10 pounds and I use it along with a few other blankets. Weight is the only thing that calms me when I'm anxious as well. (No I do not have Asperger's, but I understand my autistic students need for that pressure)

5) I once (actually 2x I think) drank green dyed grain alcohol from an old bathtub while being hung upside down by my ankles.

6) I have never smoked a cigarette in my entire life or even held one and never done any drugs.

So now to tag six others:
Erica
Heidi
Jenn (b/c you need to blog more)
Blythe
David
Monkey's Momma

Kreative Blogger- thanks Kim

2009-03-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

I got my first blog award. Thank you Kim at Stuck in the Suburbs. I found her blog through my sister at Maeve's Mom. If you enjoy funny stories of life and family those are two blogs to definitely check out.

The rules of the award are to list seven things that I love and to pass this award on to seven bloggers that I love. So here goes:

1) I love the cake donuts at ALDI. Oh yes, only the ALDI ones are worthy of my calorie intake. Once I tasted them, I was hooked and will probably put on a pound with each trip to ALDI that I make. (I am eating a powdered one now.)

2) Seeing kids play with bubbles. I am just fascinated with how something so simple can bring so much joy. I wish I could be that easily entertained over and over, day after day. It gives me such a warm, fuzzy feeling to watch my children and any child dance around and chase bubbles.

3) Coke from McDonalds. They put crack in their soda, I'm sure of it. I only buy caffeine free Coke for home so when I'm out and about, I just must stop for a HUGO Coke.

4) Seeing Nathan run for dirt and mud. Carson is not what one would call 'all boy'. Nathan is without a doubt 'all boy'. I love that every time we get him out of the car or go outside the garage to get into the car, that boy just runs for the dirt, mud, mulch. He rolls in it, eats it, shovels it... If you want to get him anywhere quickly or into the house quickly, you better carry him while he's kicking and screaming for dirt.

5) The water. I love to be in the water. Especially a creek or river. I could float around all day. I think they should make some sort of head device that would keep me from drowning so I could sleep every night in the bath tub.

6) Giraffes. Yes, weird thing to love, but I do. A kind of jerky man I once taught with asked me why a giraffe was my favorite animal. I know he was expecting the typical, "they are just cute" response. Nope, that's not it. Lots of animals are cute, cool, pretty, etc. A giraffe is my favorite animal because while I am not extremely religious, I see a giraffe and I immediately think of how God graced this earth which such beautiful things. Why a giraffe? Why something so odd, so different, so large? God could have simply made the trees shorter so they wouldn't need that neck or the trees less thorny so they didn't need those crazy long tongues. God made them simply to be beautiful and spice up the world.

7) My August Angel friends. I am part of an amazing board of women who all miscarried or lost their baby in August of 2006. We are still together every day online. Everyday there are pages of our daily events, appointments, kids stories, pregnancy stories and husband gripes to read. I've met several of the girls and I feel extremely close to them all. I was the first of our group to have a successful pregnancy after that August and for those who've read my beginning blog posts, it was successful, but far from easy. Those girls were such a support even though I'd only had a few computer interactions for less than two months. They sent flowers, gift cards, projects to keep Carson busy, called me, sent cards, and did not judge me when things were so rough after Nathan was born despite the fact that many of them were still fighting hard to have a child. I love you girls.

Wow. That was a little long. Sorry. If you made it through all that, I'm impressed.

Now, I pass this award on to 7 others:
Discovery Channel Won't Give Me My Own Parenting Show This blog is one of my all time favorites and I think is quite undiscovered. You must spend some time reading some of his posts. He's a fabulous writer. I am unsure if he reads my blog and I'm not sure if so that he's been reading much of anything recently. He and his wife just had their third baby girl and he's a very busy man who's also sleep deprived. You really must check his blog out.

Of course to sweet Heidi at Thinking Miracles. She's been trying so long to have a baby she can hold in her arms and bring home and has suffered such loss. Yet, Heidi is an amazing woman who remains a friend and gives her love and time to everyone.

To my goofball of a husband at Internet Corn. If you enjoy sarcasm and goofiness this is the blog for you.

Erica because I love to see her pictures and I'm really hoping that this will get her blogging more often.

Monkey's Momma - I love to check out her blog. She has awesome giveaways and those are like a bonus. Her writing is enjoyable and I like that I never know what I'm going to get. Sometimes it's a news story, sometimes an opinion, and sometimes a personal story or daily event.

Parenting isn't for Pansies - She is going through a clubfoot journey with the same doctor that Nathan sees. Her journey has unfortunately not be so simple as ours, but she does her best each day to put her faith in God and enjoy her life.

Useless Knowledge - I like useless knowledge and read several books full of it. One day I believe it will come in handy.

I of course would include my sister's blog, but Kim passed the award to her as well.

HELP I really need to know the answer!

2009-03-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've been having back pain and these episodes where the pain becomes so severe in my back and stomach that I literally fall on the floor and am in awful pain. This lasts a few minutes and then stops. So I saw the doctor on Friday and he is sending me to a urologist to check for kidney stones and such.
I called to make an appointment to see the urologist. I was on hold while they were dealing with something else going on in the office. As I was waiting I began to wonder...what makes a doctor choose this specialty? I can understand the fascination with the brain, heart, or obstetrics, but what makes a doctor decide that urine is what they want to surround their days?
This is really making me curious now. Curious enough that I'll probably end up asking the doctor. I'm sure he won't appreciate my question, but I must know.

So if you are a urologist, married to one, family to one, or simply know the answer to this question; don't be shy. This is a must know for me.

And that's what register means

2009-03-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday I loaded up the boys in the car for a quick errand. Carson of course wanted to know where we were going. I told him that we were going to go and register him for preschool. He asked, "What does register mean?" I explained that we were going to tell the people who work there what his name was and where he lived so they would save him a chair for school.

We walked down the hall and I told Carson that we needed to go into that room and pointed to the office. He walked in a few steps ahead of me. The two women in the office said 'hello' and Carson replied with, "Hello, my name is Carson and my letters are C-A-R-S-O-N. I live at 123 Blue Jay Road Paris Misery (yes no many how many times he hears the correct pronunciation he pronounces MO that way)."

The director said, 'Okay, what can I do for you?" Then looked at me a little confused and I explained that he was there to register for preschool. They were impressed with my little man and so was I.

Of course the address provided is not our real address; in case you couldn't figure that out.

I hate my body and it's not because I'm fat

2009-03-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

Today was Greg's vasectomy. We had talked about it a lot since Nathan was born. It was something we put off for a long time because I have the Mirena and we'd also discussed my having my tubes tied some. Suddenly (at least if felt that way to me), just a week or two ago, Greg said he needed to find a urologist and get a vasectomy scheduled. Monday he made an appointment to go Wednesday for a consult. After that he had the vasectomy scheduled for just two days later.
I was required to go with him because this doctor gives a shot of Valium before the procedure and they have to have a driver in the office before they will do the procedure. No one was able to watch the boys today so we were all there. After Greg was called back into the office, the boys and I went out into the foyer outside the office so they could run around some and not bother others in the waiting room. There was a large area and a bench for me to sit on with the elevators just across from the bench.
The elevator doors opened and a woman and her husband came out. She was literally bouncing and said, 'come on, come on, I'm so excited". She went down the opposite hallway and disappeared. I didn't give it another thought. Later, as the boys and I continued to wait for Greg, she came skipping (again literally, like a school girl) back toward us with her husband a few steps behind looking kind of out of it. She had papers in her hand and as she pushed the elevator button I saw she had ultrasound photos. I said, "are you pregnant?" She beamed back and squealed, "yes and we just found out we're having twins". She proudly showed me her pictures and I gave her my congratulations. As they entered the elevator, I really wanted to run into the office after Greg. I sat there trying to hold back tears.
As my eyes welled up and a few tears fell down my cheeks, the nurse came into the foyer and told me Greg was finished and asked if I would come back to hear the after care instructions. I kept my head down until she turned her back to lead us and then I wiped my tears and followed quietly.
The entire way home, Greg was a goofy Valium mess. It was funny, I must say, but it was hard to just keep smiling even with his hilarious jokes and non-stop childish behavior.
I hate my body. I hate it.

Mom Jeans

2009-03-08T10:29:00.001-07:00

Oh yes ladies, you've all see them. You've all thought, 'why would anyone wear these things.' Well, I'm beginning to wonder if this style needs a come back. I was at an event for preschoolers and parents last week. It was a great event. Parents and kids were at tables and on the floor becoming an enormous mess of stamps, paint, glitter, dirt, flour and about any other substance known to stain clothes. I really enjoyed being down on the floor with my boys and watching them cover themselves in gunk. I could see the enjoyment of other moms and dads with their kids as well. I could also see the cracks of many mommies. With the rise in the popularity of low rise jeans and low rise undies even, these kinds of events are full of so much crack that the police should be monitoring for drug dealers. I don't claim not to ever show my undies or crack. I'm sure I unknowingly do as I'm not a fan of Mom Jeans either. I do wonder though if Mom Jeans become more popular as people get older not because older people tend not to keep up with the latest styles, but more because their children get older and start to voice their embarrassment of all their friends singing "I See London" to their mom at school events.

A great day outdoors again.

2009-03-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

Today we went to my parents' house to help them move some furniture. While Carson and I were outside enjoying the weather, the new neighbors' daughter came over. I'd guess her abou 14. She was immediately chatty and talking with Carson. Her sister and another older boy were riding bikes. Carson wanted to go watch them on the sidewalk. She went with him and they played catch for the longest time. Carson was running and laughing and just in love with the fun of his new 'friend'. I loved to see it. It broke my heart again though to see how happy I know he'd be at a preschool. Later Nathan woke up from his nap and he and I both went over by them and the two girls that are close in age to Carson and Nathan came outside. This teenage girl was playing with them all. Nathan wouldn't leave my lap, but she was still playing with him and actually got him talking and eventually he even held her hand and went for a walk without me. We went in their backyard and played on the swingset my boys were in love with the day and both cried and cried when we finally went in at 6:15 after the mosquitoes were biting. This girl was a sweetheart and so great with kids. I wish she lived nearby us and I'm sure the boys do too! (Especially Carson with his love of older women.)

Heartbreaking Beautiful Day Outdoors

2009-03-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

Oh, time outside was a blessing, but heartbreaking. My son is just dying to play with the bigger boys across the street. They were outside playing baseball today and Carson was just in tears that he wanted to go across the street. I told him that he was not allowed to cross the street by himself and we were not invited to come over there. The oldest boy heard Carson crying and started hitting the balls across the street and letting Carson throw them back. His younger brother would take turns with Carson 'catching' the ball and throwing it back. After they went inside, Carson was so heartbroken and wanted to go to their house. Then he saw bigger kids riding their bikes down the street and started crying that he wanted his bike (Diego tricycle). Everytime he would see another kid (all much older) he'd beg to go with them even though he doesn't know them. He kept saying, "but I'll look both ways. I'll stop, look, and listen." I was truly about in tears to see him want others to play with. We don't have neighbors his age, don't know many people here at all, and can't afford preschool. It's just sad to see him feeling lonely. I know how bad lonely can hurt.

The Shark Bites the Big One

2009-03-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I was looking for a nice, quick, way to clean the kitchen floor now that Nathan has decided to be a messy eater. I can't stand the swiffer wet jet. I just don't think it cleans much. I hate dragging out a mop bucket because that's a lot of work with the kids around.

So I went to Walmart yesterday and bought the Shark Steam Mop. I read a lot of mixed reviews. Some that it was the greatest thing ever and others saying it's total crap. Well, I go with the low end crowd. I give it 2 stars.

While it is easy to get out and fill up and it leaves the floor dry and unsticky, it doesn't live up to it's promises.

I had several spots that I went over and over again and they were still sticky and I ended up wiping it up with a cloth. These were things like yogurt from breakfast (I used it about 10 this morning and breakfast was about 7), syrup drops, something sticky behind the trash can, and a splotch of dried dishwasher soap that I assume got onto the floor last night. I'm sorry, but those things should have been able to come up quickly based on its claims.

Second biggest issue is that thing is HARD to push. It doesn't slide along the floor easily. It takes a really good push and I was getting worn out. It took a long time with going over spots several times, and pushing it all around so hard and slowly. It would have been less work and I'm sure only a few more minutes to get out the mop and bucket. I can live with a floor that needs to dry.

I'm extremely disappointed. I was really hoping for a wonder product. Don't waste your money unless your floor is rarely dirty, you don't have toddlers, and you have a strong arm and shoulder.

Do as I say, not as I do

2009-02-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today Nathan had a check-up with Dr. Dobbs. He had to have an x-ray of his legs and feet before his exam. It was very simple. He needed to stand on a box while the 'camera' took the photo from a few feet away. However, Nathan was screaming his head off the whole time (though he did keep his legs still while grasping my shirt). I was given a lead vest to wear, and the x-ray tech took Carson with him into the room where they push the button to keep him away from the x-rays. Carson was back in the room screaming, "Nathan, it's okay. It's only a picture. Say cheese!"

After the x-ray, the orthopedist needed to make molds of Nathan's feet and legs to make him a new brace for his quickly growing feet. Nathan immediately started screaming when we sat him on the table. Normally he's calm for all this, but I guess today's appointment at naptime was not a good moment for him. As he was on the table and Dr. Dave was wrapping the plaster cast, Carson was asking him every question he could think of about the process. Here's a little of their conversation: (btw- this has nothing to do with the post topic, it's just cute to me when preschoolers are inquisitive.)

"What is that?"
"It's plaster."
"What's that pink bucket for?"
"I'm going to fill it with water so I can get the plaster wet."
"Why would you want to get it wet?"
"So I can put it on your brother's leg and make a mold."
"What's a mold?"
"I'll show you when I'm done."
"Okay, Now what are you doing?"
"I'm putting the plaster on his foot."
"What's plaster?"
"It's kind of like mud."
"What's mud?"
"Wet dirt."
"Why are you putting mud on my baby's leg?"
"To make a mold so I can make him new shoes."
"What's a mold."
"I'll show you when I'm done."

This conversation (and much which I omitted) was taking place while Nathan was screaming his head off.

After the partially dried plaster mold was removed, he immediately, and I mean immediately shuts off all the tears and screams. Dr. Dave washed off his legs and as I was putting his pants back on, Carson said, in a very motherly voice, "That was not bad at all. It was just mud, you like mud. It didn't hurt so we don't need to cry like that next time, okay Nathan?" He even had my hand gestures mimicked as he said it. The irony of it is that Carson is the kid at the ped's office that is literally dragging his feet and he's the kid at the JCPenney Portrait Studio crying and running out of the room.

On the way home, we stopped for haircuts. Nathan went first and he started screaming the moment he sat in the chair. The time before, he sat there on his own and giggled when the clippers tickled his neck. He screamed and screamed this time and didn't even want the sucker they gave him. During all this, Carson was at his feet telling him, "It's just a haircut. It doesn't hurt. It's with the tickler thing, that's all."

When Nathan's cut was complete, it was Carson's turn. I told him to climb in the chair and he starts off running and crying that he doesn't want to do it.

Insert video of me rolling my eyes here.

Funny Phrases

2009-02-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

Kids say things that are so darn cute.

Carson just came up and said to me, "Guess what Mommy? I peed in the potty! Know how I did it?"

I said, "Did you stand up?"

Carson said, "Wait, umm, ask me if I was sitting down first."

I asked if he was sitting down and he says, "No, I stood up!"

Adorable. The funniest thing is he's been accident free for 4 days and in underwear. He's been standing to pee every time for the last three days, but it's still such a big deal to him. He also tells me before his naps that "when Daddy comes home he's going to be SO proud."

Courage Campaign

2009-02-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

My sister posted this on her blog and I want to be sure to spread the message and ask that everyone view this video of love and family commitment. Too often the true sanctity of marriage: to love and honor, is broken. Why would anyone want to force someone to divorce? Why would we ever encourage breaking of homes and families that are strong and loving?

Please view this video and give your support.
Fidelity Video

Seriously Worth Watching

2009-02-14T21:18:00.001-08:00

This is adorable. There are a couple really odd parts that make you wonder what kind of life does this kid have?

Kittens Inspired by Kittens

What's with the bow-chicka-bow-wow, porn music?

What's with the 'not my mom' part?

But Butter Goes On Bread

2009-02-09T13:55:00.001-08:00

Today the boys and I went to the store to get Nathan diapers and some milk. We walked around the store and found a magnifying glass in the toy department. Carson has been asking for a magnifying glass since last fall and I hadn't found one until today, so I let him get one. On the way home, he started whining and said his finger was stuck. I stop to see and he had put his finger into the hole on the handle that is used for hanging it up. I tried to get his finger out and it was stuck! He started to cry and I told him it was okay and that when we got home, I would put soap or butter on it and it would come off. (I was hoping anyway) He started laughing and said, "but butter goes on bread". I explained how it was slippery and would help get his finger out. He thought that was pretty funny and was calm the rest of the drive home. When we got home, he went to the fridge and got out the butter. I went to get the camera, because I didn't want to miss this Kodak moment. I came back and started to take a picture and he pulled it right off. I said, "oh you got it. Let's put the butter away." Oh, he got very upset and started to cry. "But, I want to put butter on it. Please, can we put butter on it?" Then he spent about 5 minutes trying to get it stuck back on his finger, but he did not succeed. Boys are weird. Preschoolers are weird. Preschool boys are just plain goofballs.

Holy Piss!

2009-02-05T11:17:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness! The boy peed in the potty today! Actually peed, not dripped! I have been waiting for something for so long. Okay so it was once and only once, but hey it's a start. He actually asked if he could try and went and undressed and sat in there alone while Nathan got dressed and he was so proud to announce that he'd done it. There were enormous hugs and kisses and he can't wait to tell Daddy this evening. So wish us luck that it wasn't a fluke.

He ruined it for everybody else!

2009-02-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

Carson always wants to go out to eat. Of course because of money reasons, we haven't been to a restaurant for a long time. He usually asks my mom to take him out when he's over there and even names off restaurants he wants to go to.
Monday she kept them while I was at a doctor's appointment. When I went to pick them up, I was planning to take them home for lunch right away. My mom told Carson and I that after her appraiser left, she would take us out and buy us lunch. Wahoo! I was SO super excited. A meal out sounded fantastic and I was hoping Carson would choose Red Robin (one of his favorites), but I'd have been thrilled no matter where it had been.
So the appraiser left and my mom asked Carson what he wanted to have for lunch. His answer...dinosaur chicken nuggets. She asked him if he was sure. Did he want to go get something. No just dinosaur chicken nuggets from his Mimi's fridge. Ugh! You've got to be kidding me.

Memory Monday

2009-02-02T07:56:00.001-08:00

Nathan's Clubfoot

2009-01-30T16:18:00.001-08:00

When I was pregnant with Nathan I was sent for a Level 2 U/S at 20 weeks. At that U/S the tech was very nice, but very business like. She never mentioned anything good or bad about what she was seeing. That is their job: they are not supposed to say the good stuff or else when they are quiet a nervous mother will assume the worst. I'd had 11 U/S prior to this one so I was calm and just considered it routine. She left the room and said that she was going to look at the images and be sure that she had everything she needed. She then came back and said, “This is not something I really do, but the doctor that is on staff today was called away for an emergency c-section.” Now I was a nervous. I had driven to this appointment on my own and was all alone. She then said to me, “The left foot appears to be clubbed.” I was crying at this point. All I knew of clubfoot are the images shown on Save the Children commercials and others like it. She was very calming and told me that a report would be sent to my OB, and that I needed to reschedule for another U/S in one month. I left that appointment in a crying daze. I was bawling on the way home and scared about what was in store for my poor little baby. I blamed myself for being so sick, for the medications I had to take, for everything that was going wrong with my pregnancy.

After calming down and finding horrible photos on the internet, I found a non-surgical procedure to correct his foot. It's called the Ponseti Method, named for Ignacio Ponseti who developed this amazing procedure. I began to research it more and look for a Ponseti certified doctor with a great reputation. I found that one of the best, Dr. Dobbs, worked right here at St. Louis Children's Hospital (as well as Shriner's). I set up an appointment with him before Nathan was born. I met him and his nurse Kristina and loved them both. I was teary for that appointment and they were so reassuring that he would never be in pain. I did not want him to have surgery. Surgery would mean that he would most likely have pain as he grew older, a foot that did not look 'normal', and more surgeries as he grew, not to mention the fear of the complications of any surgery.

When he was born we called to schedule an appointment. He was 8 weeks when he began treatment because he was small and Dr. Dobbs likes to wait until a baby is 7 pounds. He got his first cast and didn't cry during the procedure. He did not like the removal the following week, but the warm cast being applied was quite calming to him. He needed 5 casts (a new one each week. Each new cast his foot was moved a tiny bit more into the correct position. He had a tenotomy which is a very small poke of the heal tendon to loosen his ankle and he didn't cry, just sucked his bottle. Then his last cast (#5) was applied.

After he was done with his casts he was given a brace to wear for 23 hours a day. Eventually this wear time was decreased and he now only wears it when he is sleeping. He doesn't mind getting it on at all and actually does not like to sleep without if we are away and don't have it with us. The brace is a new version of the original brace used in the Ponseti Method. Dr. Dobbs created a brace that allows the baby to move their feet independently. Prior to his brace, the only brace used was a solid bar connected to 2 shoes. The child could move their feet together up and down and bent and straight, but not kick them one at a time. With the Dobbs brace, Nathan could move freely like other babies and keep his leg muscles strong and stretched while wearing it. It was very easy for him to move around and in no way restricted his development. He crawled and pulled up and cruised as early or earlier than the typical age for any baby.

His foot is as perfect as any and matches his right foot in size and shape. No one would ever know that he was born with a clubfoot and he will be able to run, jump, and play sports. He'll be wearing the brace when he's sleeping until he's 4 or 5 and my only concern is how he will sleep the first couple nights after he's not using it anymore.

Memories Monday

2009-01-26T13:15:00.001-08:00

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

2009-01-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

Today Nathan decided he would go into Carson's room and throw all the books from his shelf onto the floor. By throw, I don't mean drop, I mean sling around the room. This has happened before, but not for awhile. Greg told him to pick them up and put them back on the shelf. He responded with the ever so popular toddler, "NO" and his little 'you know I'm super cute' smirk. Greg put him into time-out which lasted quite awhile before he calmed down. He eventually said he was sorry and Greg went back to Carson's room with him and told him to pick up the books only to get the same response. This of course meant another long time-out, the eventual 'sorry' and the cycled continued. After four time-outs he finally began to slowly pick up the books and stack them back onto the shelf. It was time for nap then and after the boys were tucked into their beds Greg came into the living room and said to me, "that boy is SO bull headed!" Well, of course I had to have two May boys born under the sign of Taurus. Why must that boy give credence to astrology?

Polly want a cracker?

2009-01-23T20:15:00.001-08:00

I know, I know, it's normal for his age, but oh my it makes me nutty sometimes...Carson loves to repeat things. If he sees a video or reads a story or sees a commercial than he's running around the house for weeks reciting the lines. Oh, I'm so tired of hearing "Nationwide is on your side", "To infinity and beyond!", and "Spiderman" complete with sound effects and pretend web tossing. That one is the oddest since he's never seen a spider man video or cartoon. Oh the things they pick up (sigh).
Yesterday I was so excited for lunch time because I figured at least he'd have his mouth full some of the time and he knows it's against the rules to be loud at the table and scream out those type of lines. He ate all his lunch and then asked for crackers; round ones specifically. He always wants crackers and would eat nothing else if allowed. After I informed him the round ones were all gone and his choice was square or rectangles, I realized he's like a parrot. He repeats everything he hears, most of what we say to him, and he loves crackers.

Payback is a *itch

2009-01-21T13:32:00.001-08:00

Carson was such a mess yesterday. He was pushing every button he could on both Nathan and me. I was at my wits end and then he shoved Nathan who was quietly playing with a puzzle and grabbed the alligator shaped piece from his hand. I was telling Carson to "Come here right now!" and he ran from me. Nathan chased him and when Nathan grabbed for the piece, Carson grabbed his wrist hard and grunted/yelled at him. I got up and took the piece from Carson and handed it to Nathan. Carson was then put in time out. I sat back onto the couch just as Nathan headed for Carson with the puzzle piece.

Now Nathan often feels badly when Carson's in time out and tries to sit with him and comfort him.

This time was not for comfort...he walked over to Carson's time out spot and whacked him right in the mouth with the wooden alligator. Now of course this sent Nathan to time out as well, but it also sent me to the kitchen covering my mouth trying not to laugh while getting a wet rag to clean Carson's blood covered hands and face.

It was wrong. Very wrong. We do not at all condone hitting in our home, but I couldn't help thinking it was a bit deserved.

Received this and it''s too true not to share.

2009-01-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from
birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family.
Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children
if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140.00?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said
or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator
magnets and collect! spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand
prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters
for Father's Day.

For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You
get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team
that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family
tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called
grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in
psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human
sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all
the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed,
patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and
love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without
counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!

The Things They Learn

2009-01-20T06:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at lunch time Carson said to me, "I use my front incisors to bite my pizza, Mommy". I just love the funny things they learn.

The Economy Has Hit Us Now.

2009-01-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

Well, we've finally been affected in a way that really hurts. Greg's whole plant is going to only 4 day weeks starting this week. So we can not pay our bills with that. We were living on his check barely before and were stealing from our savings some too. I'm scared. I'm crying and anxious. We're figuring things out right now. After my next psych appointment, I'm hoping I won't need to go back for awhile and that I can find a job to make a little extra money too.

I hate the idea of getting a job at night b/c it not only means that we will pretty much never be together as a family, but that I'll be up late and then the whole taking my Ambien and getting more sleep to help with my anxiety and depression won't be an option. I know that I will not find a job in this little town during the day that will pay for 2 children to go to daycare so I have to find something that allows me to still be home during the day with them.

I just hope that Obama's ready to hit the ground running and has some good ideas to help out quickly while he works on something more long term. Please let tomorrow be the start of something good. Because truth is, I'm scared. I'm trying to smile and tell myself that we'll get through this and won't lose the house or not be able to pay the countless medical bills that I seem to accumulate, but I'm not really convincing myself. Let tomorrow fill me with the hope it seems to be flooding into the hearts of so many Americans.

Live LAUGH Love

2009-01-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

Mike Tyson

2008-11-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

Nathan is tough and rough and I've been known to call him mean. I know he's only 18 months old, but he's down right mean sometimes. He's a huge pusher and although he's very tiny, he can dig in his feet and he'll shove with his head until he knocks Carson off or away from something he wants. He will hit and throw things too. He's teething very badly right now. The canines (or eye teeth, whatever you call them). I know they are hurting him. He's got his hands in his mouth almost all day. He fusses and he's not eating well (which is definitely not like him). Today he's been mean, not aggressive as I usually put it, but just mean. He's taking everything from Carson then throwing it down once he's gotten it. He's shoving and hitting and he's biting today. Carson came to show me very deep teeth marks on his upper arm today and told me several times about him biting him. Nathan's been in time-out a lot today and he's been throwing major tantrums. They were both playing on the mini kid's trampoline and having a fine time together and then Nathan tried to shove him off. I hear Carson start screaming and he runs to me crying. Nathan had bit his ear! Hard! He had teeth marks and a very red ear. Carson was never a biter or a shover. He was a very sedate child. Nathan is a total opposite and I'm at my wit's end.

When I lost my virginity.

2008-11-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

I voted today for the very first time! (aside from high school royalty)

It was so exciting and although most of you will laugh largely over this; I teared up a little bit filling in that first circle for our new president.

So yes, yes, yes, shake your finger, shame me for being 30 and never voting before, but I did vote today and I hope that you can all see the great in that over the shame of having not voted in prior elections.

I'm glued to the TV tonight as well, just waiting to see if the majority of voters feel the same as I do. I'm excited. So excited. Excited for change in the country and excited to feel a part of it.

8th percentile????

2008-11-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

Nathan had his 18 month check up on Saturday morning. He hadn't gotten much bigger. He's in the 8th percentile for weight, 40th for height and 5th for head circumference.

Now if you look down a couple posts you'll see him eating one of his favorite foods, fettacine.

The pediatrician said his percentiles and said that he was very healthy and developmentally doing great and that he may just be small, but they'd like to see some more weight on him if we could encourage him to eat a little more.

Really? How? We do not limit our children's food at all, but we also never force them to eat or to finish what's on their plate. Carson is in the 50th percentile for weight and barely eats anything at all.

Here's a typical breakfast (quantity wise, the foods are mixed up) for Nathan:

2 Nutrigrain bars, 1 yoplait yogurt, 2 kiwis, a handful of grapes, a cup of whole milk, and some puffs (to try and finish them off).

Here's a typical lunch:

6 Tyson chicken nuggets, 1/2 a can of carrots, a banana, 1/2 cup of goldfish crackers

Here's a couple of dinners for him:

More spaghetti than I can eat. He ate about 2 cups of spaghetti shells with meat sauce and a piece of garlic toast.

He's also eaten a cup+ of taco meat, a handful of cheddar cheese, a tortilla shell, green beans.

He also eats 2 snacks a day.

Seriously? How could he possibly be encouraged to eat more? I am not sure how the boy is so small. Apparently it's just who he is. He's just a little boy.

Approval

2008-11-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a little conversation I had with Carson...

"Mommy, can I tell you something."

"Sure."

"I'm John McCain and I approved this message."

(insert my looking as confused as a baby in a topless bar)

Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Things I don't want to forget

2008-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight Greg was out running an errand at the hardware store. He took the boys with him and was later than he expected to be so he picked up some fast food. When they got home I was in the basement and Carson asked if he could eat down there if he didn't have any BBQ sauce. (I thought that was smart of him, but he's my kid so of course I do.) So they had a 'picnic' in the basement. Mostly Nathan just walked around with food, but Carson ate his dinner. Greg and I were doing some work while they were eating and we hear Carson say. "I'm all done. May I be excused, please?" My heart just swelled with love and pride. He's on the basement floor and his brother's walking around with food and Greg and I are working on things and my boy still used his manners! I think that was amazingly sweet and I couldn't resist praising him and covering him in kisses.

Today we all danced to "I've Got a Song in my Tummy" and did the movements and sang it. Sweet little Nathan looked back and forth from Carson to me and followed along with the movements. He was so cute leaning over to get his toes and squeezing his nose, and my favorite...the 'song in my heart' was actually his hand on his neck, but hey he gave a great performance!

I am part of a private message board with a group of women and a few days ago one of the girls called me. Carson and Nathan were playing in the bedroom. Well, when the phone rings, Carson has to run and ask who it is. So I told him it was Mommy's friend and he didn't know her. He said, "Is she from your board".

I was making cookies a couple days ago and I had the first sheet in the oven. The timer went off and I checked them, but they needed a couple more minutes. I sat down and then forgot all about them. Not just for a few minutes but for about 10 minutes. They were beyond being edible if dipped in milk. I said, "Oh no, I burnt the cookies!" Greg asked how badly. "I said, they are really burned." I put the next sheet in the oven and sat down on the couch. Carson came over and said, "Are the cookies burned?" I told him, "Yes, Mommy forgot to take them out on time so they burned." He got a very serious look and a serious voice I've never heard before and said, "It's okay. We'll call Mimi and she'll know what to do." Where did he get this idea? So I said, "Ok" and didn't give it another thought. He was still standing there and said, "Mommy, it's okay. Call Mimi and she'll know what to do!" His inflection was adorable. So guess what, I had to call my mother and tell her I burned cookies and need to know what to do with them. She laughed and suggested I throw them out. Thank goodness I have Carson and my mom to help me through the really hard times.

Today Nathan did a little dance in the living room and then he began to turn in circles which is often does. He finally got himself too dizzy and fell down and bumped his head on the entertainment center. He was a little fussy and then started crying and came to me. I picked him up and hugged me and he was bawling. Then Carson calls loudly from his bedroom, "Baby! Baby, come in my room and play on the bed!" Nathan stops crying instantly, slides down and goes running down the hall.

Toddler Tornado

2008-10-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm sick today. The nasty tummy kind. I'm also very, very dizzy and stumble whenever I get up. I got the boys breakfast this morning (frozen waffles and fruit). After breakfast I laid down on the couch to rest and they played in the living room and their rooms. Carson asked for a snack and as soon as Nathan heard that word he was in the kitchen hollering. My head was spinning so I asked Carson to bring me something out of the pantry and a plate from the clean dishwasher. He brought me pretzels and two bowls. I filled them each and Carson put the bag back into the pantry. All seemed to be going fine as I laid on the couch with my head spinning. They were loud and hollering and I heard toys being dumped out and typical noisy boy play, but they were getting along better than usual. This is should have worried me.

I got up about 11:30 to get them something for lunch. I noticed that there are toys everywhere and under the layer of toys was a layer of Nathan's pretzels and his empty bowl. Apparently, they were not appetizing to him. I just gave it a silent 'whatever' and got their lunch ready. After lunch I walked down the hall to the restroom and glanced into Carson's room. His curtains were on the floor and the curtain rod (just the cheap kind) was still held by screws to the wall, but broken in half and sticky out on each end. WTF? Seriously? Can a sick mom not just rest on a couch? Why is this not possible? How do they know I'm so out of it that I wouldn't hear such a thing take place? Oh they are crafty, little boogers.

I ask Carson what happened in his room (which is also covered in toys and his blankets and pillow). He said that they wanted to open the window but he didn't want to ask me because I was sick and needed to rest (love when he uses my own words against me). So he was trying to open them and Nathan climbed on it and it fell. He also added, "...it just fell, but Baby didn't even cry so I didn't bother you." I simply rolled my eyes and returned to the couch.

They are napping now and I am typing this as the screen literally swirls. I don't even plan to warn Greg before he gets home from work. I just have to see his face when he gets the same surprises I received.

SHUT UP!

2008-10-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so you know I have to do it. Here's my debate gripe.

SHUT UP McCAIN ABOUT YOUR MILITARY SERVICE! WE FREAKIN' KNOW IT ALREADY!

SHUT UP OBAMA ABOUT HAVING A SINGLE MOTHER! WE FREAKIN' KNOW IT ALREADY!

Short and simple that time, but there it is.

We don't have to feel dirty anymore.

2008-10-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

We went to the pumpkin patch today and the boys had an amazing time. We took a long hayride. Carson rode a little peddle tractor and a horse shaped tire swing. Nathan touched a ton of pumpkins like he expected one to feel different. We had lunch and the played with other kids. That was all wonderful, but the best thing there was the corn box. It was a giant sandbox (actually there are two) full of sand toys, but there's no dirty sand. It's full of corn kernels. What a fantastic idea. It was so enjoyable. The boys laughed and played. I hopped in there too since other mommies were enjoying the corn as well. Nathan buried his legs and then would splash it like water and send them flying a little. He would laugh so hard. Carson loved the corn, but didn't like that he couldn't make a 'corn castle'. I want one of these, but we live on a wooden lot so I'm sure we'd have 3x more than the 50 squirrels that already live in the backyard within an hour and the raccoons which we've managed to avoid would probably join in too. I love to see my boys play. I love to see them happy and smile. It is a wonderful memory for me and I won't let this one go. I look forward to sweet dreams of their smiles tonight.

The VP Debate- My Disappointment

2008-10-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

Wow- 2 posts in one day!

Well, I watched the debate that night and was disappointed, as I was with the presidential debate. So here are some of my complaints (don't think you'll hear me say who I am voting for, b/c I believe that's a personal decision and don't want to get any nasty comments).

-I felt that I got very, very few (if any) real answers to questions. I wanted to hear their policies. I wanted to hear their opinions for real. Not the same old crap we get every election where they skirt around the question or totally change the topic.

-Do these politicians not watch the TV or read the news themselves? Seriously, CNN, FOX News, ABC news, Katie Couric, Barbara Walters, The View girls (all of them), every major paper, website, etc. said "we want to hear them talk about themselves, answer the questions with their opinions and policies, not reiterate what Obama and McCain have said or done" Well, was that done, not until the last few questions and even then they had to throw a little Obama/McCain in there. We needed to know more about them. There is a possiblity (kind of big this year) of them becoming the president. Let's face it, it would be a tradegy and if you haven't thought about it, you're lying or brain dead. McCain is older and has had some health issues in the past although reportedly currently healthy (which I believe or he wouldn't have been the Republican nominee) but there's not assurance he won't become ill and Obama is at a higher risk of attempted assisination. I hate that thought of that happening, but it's the truth. So I was angered a little that neither Biden or Palin had much to say about themselves.- Ugh, Argh-

- The moderator let Palin change the subject when the time for that topic had long ended and another topic was begun. This is not approriate and I believe that the moderator did this b/c she was concerned at the controversy surrounding her book. It didn't display the qualities of a good moderator and was frankly against the debate rules. The most irritating thing about that is that Palin didn't go back and address the question that was posed before she asked if she could go back to discuss Afghanistan for a moment. Then Biden responded to Palin on Afghanistan and neither ended up answering the original question and it was not asked again. Unacceptable.

- They both spoke very well. I was impressed that Palin did much better than her past interviews made people think that she could. I also felt that she was not handled with 'kid gloves' as the press was worried Biden would to avoid being called sexist or cruel. Now, while the spoke well, neither was able to support themselves with clear facts. Defend yourself, back the other into a corner. If you are going to argue that 'so and so' said 'such and such' then have the date, have the place, to support your statement. Get names right people. A slip is one thing, but to slip on someone's name over and over is ridiculous (Biden). Palin stating that she was connected to families b/c she had raised kids when Biden raised his kids alone under horrible circumstances was not a smart move.

Update on Operation Toy Disappearance

2008-10-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, the toys have been packed up for a week now and they haven't noticed. Carson hasn't said a thing. He hasn't asked for anything. So as if I didn't already know, that solidifies that they have WAY too many toys. I'm actually planning to pack up so more this weekend. Why not? They are still dragging out everything(especially Nathan). Nathan loves to dump things out and once it's all out, he will put some back and dump it out again. This is a great game, but I'd like him to only play it will one tote of things at a time. -sigh- As we speak he's loading a tote with some toys and dumping it back out. Oh to be so easily entertained. I wish we didn't grow out of that, but I guess then we wouldn't be too productive as a society.

Hey Cougars! He's too sexy for his shirt!

2008-09-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

We went to the Aldi today and Nathan was in the cart and Carson was walking beside me helping to toss things into the cart. While I was getting a pizza out of the frozen case I hear him say, "hello sweetie". I turn around and he's talking to a young woman. I'd say she was in her low 20's. She said, "hello" and he continued talking to her. He told her she was pretty and that she had nice pants. He asked to hold her hand and to put her ice cream in her cart for her. Then he said, "see my belly button" and lifted his shirt up to his neck. She laughed and laughed and said he was cute. As she walked away, he proudly said, "She said I was cute".

Now, this makes me think of some other things he's said. About a year ago we were at a restaurant with my inlaws and he points and says, "Like that!" We look and he's pointing at two teenage girls who are in completely trashy (sorry but they are) skirts that actually showed the very bottom of their butt cheeks as they walked. My inlaws laughed harder than I've ever seen them.

A couple months ago we were in line at a store and I was putting things on the belt and he pulls on me and says, "Mommy, Mommy" I said, what honey and he said, "That girl smiled at me" and lifted his eye brows and smiled big at her.

Isn't three a bit young to be picking up women. My husband NEVER makes comments about women and rarely says much to me about things other than, you look nice today. I don't know where it's coming from, but I absolutely love him and I love that he's looking for a cougar.

Bye, Bye Toys!

2008-09-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

Everyday I watch my oldest, Carson, play with the same toys, over and over. Not only does he play with the same things, but he plays with them in the same ways. There's little imagination. He doesn't watch TV everyday, but watches Veggie Tales at times or Super Why and it seems he only mimics those things he sees. He has little imagination of his own. At the previously mentioned play date I noticed that the other child who is his same age had a great imagination and really played with the toys he chose. He made up games and Carson was more than happy to join in, but Carson was not the one coming up with the ideas. They played school and then the pretended to be zoo animals after reading a book about the zoo.

I'm the first to admit that my boys have way too many toys. Many toys are packed up and some they've never laid eyes on. It is ridiculous. Nathan does enjoy playing with one thing for awhile and seems to be more creative, but I'm worried about Carson.

So, here's the plan. This weekend when they head to bed on Saturday night, the toys are going to disappear. There will be some cars and trucks left out, their big school bus, some play kitchen items, puzzles, and of course books, but what more do they really need? I figure they can have those and only those for a month or so and then those things can get tossed into totes and I'll pull out a few other things. Am I mean to just pack it up? I'm not pitching it, but the teacher in me knows that it's the right thing for them. It's just hard to take things from them (well him mostly, Nathan could care less). So I want to hear your comments. How many toys do your kids have? Do they really "play" with everything? Do they have great imaginations (Carson is 3, by the way). Am I a mean Mommy? Any other toys I should leave out? Come on, speak up. Good or bad, I'd like to know.

Company!

2008-09-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

A neighbor surprised us today with a knock on the door. She and her son who's the same age as Carson came to visit. The boys played amazing together. They had a great time and I was thrilled that there were no fights or injuries. Nathan was pretty shy and quiet. I felt good talking to our neighbor, Crystal, and having some company around. It was nice because we don't know a lot of people in our town. I'm hoping to have them pop in much more often.

Nathan mostly watched the boys and then decided he didn't want them around him so he kept shutting himself into Carson's room. Crystal and I were in Nathan's room. Then Nathan decided to bring every single book out of Carson's room one at a time and stack them up in front of us ladies. He was so proud each time he added one. I was amazed at how high he got his stack and it never fell over! He's getting so grown up.

Carson and Josh played with the tools and crawled under his bed and 'fixed' it with his hammer and drill and such. Then Josh taught him how to hang from his upper bunk and swing. This was fine with me b/c I've tried to show him before (naughty I know).

Okay so boring post, but we had a good day. They wore themselves out and are fast asleep now.

Memories of my boys

2008-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well, there's very little to put in this post, but I am very happy to have these moments.

In the car one day (about June 08) Carson was in the back and informed me that he had a broken nail. At a stoplight I turned around to see and he had a little hang nail. I told him that when we got home, I would clip it. In a calm, but very serious voice he said, "No, I want it to grow long and get feet and eyes and walk around like everyone else." That is beyond a doubt the weirdest thing I've ever heard a child say. I swear he's a really intelligent child.

Carson's favorite song is "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls (yes I know, bad mommy). At the grocery store he was in the car type cart and singing "don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" Which then became "...hot like Mommy" Then in my most embarrassing child moment ever, he yelled out, "Dont's cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like Mommy and Daddy". It was hilarious and so wrong at the same time.

I can vaguely remember when Nathan was just a couple months old, I would lay him on my chest as I laid on the couch and he would sleep so soundly for hours, as I rested too. We did this in the afternoons when Carson would take his nap and many times Greg would get home before either of the boys had woken up and he would find Nathan and I cuddled together. It's really the only 'baby, baby' memory I have of him and I love to think about it.

When Nathan was a about 5 months and extremely drooly because of the teething, Carson made what he thought was a great suggestion. He said, "Let's put baby back in Mommy's tummy and get one that doesn't spitty so much." It was good that he wasn't upset about the idea of having a brother, but just the drool.

When Nathan was first trying to figure out the walking thing, he would try to walk holding onto the back of his tractor ride-on/walker, but it would always go too fast and he'd end up on his face. Then Carson decided to help him and Carson would sit on it and ride really slowly while Nathan would walk behind him. I loved seeing them working together.

I can remember when Nathan first began to walk on his own. He was 14 months old. As he would walk from Greg to I or vice-versa he would laugh and laugh so hard that sometimes it would make him fall. He was so thrilled with what he was doing. It took him until about 16 months to figure out how to stand up without holding onto something, but he got it worked out in his own time.

We went on vacation to SC/NC the beginning of July 2008. The first day we drove several hours and late into the night. When we stopped at a hotel the boys were asleep. We unloaded the car and Nathan woke up, but Carson stayed asleep as we carried him up to the room and put him into one of the two beds. Greg and I were in the other bed sleeping and Carson woke up around 3am. He began crying out, "Where's my living room? I want my living room?" Now I ask you, Why that? Why not, I want my bed or I want my Mommy or Daddy? Children's words can be so adorably cute. I have several memories from this trip of both the boys. I have hopes that things will go up from here.

I know that I need to look back through the sparse pictures and tiny bit of video we have and try to remember those moments, but I guess I'm afraid it would be more depressing to go through each picture and not come up with more memories. I disparately need to start a scrapbook for Nathan and add to Carson's which is just begun. I have looked at starting Nathan's several times, but don't really know what to put on the pages. With Carson's baby scrapbook, I would look through pictures and remember those moments and know that I wanted that photo in the book and could write a little description by it. When I look at starting things for Nathan, I just feel stuck. Where do I start? Anyone have that answer? I could use your comments, here.

Lost or Never There?

2008-09-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

Due to the weight loss, lack of nutrition to both Nathan and I, and my hyperemesis not responding to any medications, Nathan was induced at 38 weeks 1 day. When I got to the hospital it took the nurse and then an anesthesiologist over 2 hours to start the IV because my veins were such a used up mess. Once they got it started, by using a pediatric IV needle, they began the pitocin and Dr. Chen broke my water. Nathan was in a hurry to get out of my useless, starving body. My labor was very quick. He was out in just 3 light pushes. From pitocin to Nathan on my chest was only 2 hours and a few minutes. As my birth plan called for, the nurses allowed me hold him for about an hour, before they began their usual tasks. He was all sticky and white and he wasn’t crying. He was just looking at me with the biggest brown eyes. Those brown eyes were so different from Carson’s baby blues. Looking into his eyes, and seeing his soul looking back at me is unforgettable. For which I am eternally grateful.

For 8 months prior to his birth I was taking the highest dose permitted for a woman my size of Reglan, Zofran, Protonix, Pepcid, and vitamins through my IV, pump, and Picc line. My Reglan was delivered via a pump in my stomach. My home health company told me that directly after his birth it could be removed. As soon as the nurse took Nathan from my arms, I sat up and in a celebration of victory, I pulled the tube from my stomach and Cory, my nurse, pulled out my IV. Finally after 32 weeks of tubes I was free! I was sitting in the shower feeling the emotions of motherhood, but even more so feeling the emotions of freedom. A freedom from the nausea, freedom from the tubes, freedom from the needles, freedom from the twice-weekly delivery of IV bags, needles, tubing, and medicine vials. Freedom from the plastic bags carried everywhere, freedom from the trashcans scattered about the house, freedom from the $30 daily co-pays and freedom from strangers staring in disgust when I got sick in public. An enormous smile of relief overcame me as I took my 6^th shower in 8 months. I realized this meant the end of bedrest and starvation. As the water poured over me, I was crying my first happy tears in months. I knew that along with all the mess of childbirth, my worries, anxiety, loneliness, and depression were washing down that drain.

I was sent home on Friday and that night the first anxiety attack hit me. I was shaking uncontrollably, crying, terrified, curled with my knees at my chest. I didn’t know why, didn’t know what I was upset about. I already had a three year old son. It wasn’t the thought of motherhood that was causing this. Greg called my OB, who called in a prescription for Lexapro. On Saturday, my in-laws came into town to meet our newest arrival. I was not feeling quite right that day either. I thought I was just tired from being up at night nursing Nathan. That afternoon another panic attack started. I was curled up again with the same shaking and crying. This time was worse. This time my muscles were tighter, I could barely stand. Greg called my mother to meet us at the hospital and my wonderful MIL took care of Nathan. At the hospital they gave me Ativan, which meant I could no longer try to breastfeed. I knew that after 8 months of starvation I would most likely never make the milk he needed so I agreed to take it. I knew I couldn’t care for him while I was panicking. My mother, mother-in-law, and sister comforted me, called me, visited me, and made sure I had help daily. My father and father-in-law (who rarely speaks and never shows emotion) drove me to appointments with therapists and psychiatrists.

I am still fighting whatever it is that is causing this anxiety and depression and Nathan is now 15 months old. It seems each doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist labels it a different way. I’ve been told that I have postpartum depression, manic-depression, postpartum anxiety disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, clinical depression, withdrawl from the medications (particularly the Reglan), hormonal imbalances of estrogen and progesterone, generalized anxiety disorder and every combination of those. Most currently, my psych says that I am not bi-polar and that's an overused label. I have major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and b/c my hormones are obviously highly involved as well, I "am a complicated case". I don’t care what label they want to put on me. I’m not ashamed. I just want them to ‘fix’ me.

These long two first posts bring me to the reason I created this blog. There is very little that I can remember about Nathan’s first year of life. He’s 15 months old and I cannot believe it. It’s not the way that all mother’s say, “Wow the first year flew by and I barely remember it.” There really isn’t much in my brain from that time. Not only is Nathan’s first year very blank, but that also means Carson’s second year is a big static fuzz. I do not remember when he rolled over or crawled, I do not remember his first tooth, I do not remember who his first visitors were, baby gifts, the outfits he wore. I don’t know what kind of baby foods he loved and which he hated. However this is the hardest thing for me to admit: I mentioned to my husband that I am so excited to have a Christmas tree this year because we didn’t have one last year on account of my being so sick. He looked puzzled and said, “No that was the year before.” We had a tree last year for Nathan’s first Christmas. That’s when it hit me. I don’t remember Nathan having a first Christmas. For months I’ve been thinking that his first Christmas was approaching. Yes, in my head I can do the basic math and I know that he must have had a first Christmas, but where did it go?

Are those memories lost or were they never there?

Coming Home

2008-09-06T22:41:00.000-07:00

This will likely be a long first post, but once I cover the background behind this blog I won't be this long winded. Let me tell you a little about myself and my family. I have the most amazing, sacrificing husband and no one can tell me different. His name is Greg and we've been married for 5 years. We were married in May of 2003. We moved to be near my family and away from the severe allergies I had in South Carolina and are now living an hour north of St. Louis. I was excited to move and be near my family. I knew that it would mean building a closer relationship with my sister who is my best friend. I knew it meant trying to strengthen my relationship with my mom and have a grown up relationship with her and not just the mom/little girl kind. I knew it would put me back where I could see my Daddy smile and I could feel his giant squashing hug. I knew all these things, but I never could have known that it was not just a blessing to be near them, but that God lead me here....home to save my life. To save my family that wasn't even fully here yet.

In September of 2004, at my niece's birthday party I can remember sitting there watching people eat cake. I tasted my cake, from a bakery my sister commonly uses that I generally love, and it made me want to puke. I can remember vividly sitting there with this cake on a paper plate in my hand just looking around the room and seeing people eating their cake and it was so nauseating to me. I could actually feel that very wet mouth you get before you throw up and although I knew it wasn't rationale, I couldn't help but think that those family members, friends, and children were disgusting. How on earth could they be eating this cake? I truly was sickened by the idea that people could consume such a thing. On our drive home I told my husband to stop and get a pregnancy test because although I didn't think I could possibly have gotten pregnant so quickly (we only started trying the end of July), I knew the feelings I'd had about the cake were not 'normal'. We picked one up late that night. While Greg was in the kitchen, I went upstairs and took the test (the one I said I wouldn't take until the morning when you're supposed to take them) and instantly, I do mean instantly, that test turned positive. There was no doubt. I came running down the stairs screaming, "Greg, Greg!" and crying. He was in the kitchen and a terrified look was on his face. "What's wrong?" he yelled. I showed him the test and we both hugged and I'm pretty sure he teared up some too.

I thought being pregnant was going to be the most fantastic time. I loved the idea of the cute pregnant belly. Unlike most women I’ve talked to (including my sister), the idea of a stranger unexpectedly rubbing my belly while in line at the Walmart brought huge smiles to my face. I wondered since I am such a picky eater if I would crave things I wouldn’t have eaten before: pickles, ranch dressing, salmon, grapefruit... I suppose that, in my mind, I really glamorized the whole idea of pregnancy. Well, so much for the glamour… What a waste all those dreams and wishes were to me.

Within only a few days of that cake filled birthday party I began getting sick. We aren’t talking about morning sickness. We aren’t talking about ‘eat some crackers’ sickness. I was vomiting at least 10 times a day. The look of food made me vomit, the smell of food made me vomit, the talk of food made me vomit. I heard it all: eat crackers, eat small meals, drink ginger ale, smell peppermint oil, eat peppermints, eat ginger cookies, take ginger capsules, get preggo pops, the list could go on even longer than this post. I thought that surely the ‘morning sickness’ would go away by 12 weeks, just a few more weeks and I’d be craving the pickles and ice cream. No, that didn’t happen. My weight was dropping and I could not eat, did not want to eat even though all I wanted to do was eat. It’s a feeling that cannot be described to someone who has not experienced it, but I will make a sad attempt to give you some understanding. Imagine wanting, so badly to eat that piece of cake, knowing that the cake was magical with no calories, that it was your favorite kind of cake ever, and that if you ate it all your wishes and hopes would suddenly come true, but regardless of all of that your brain would not move your hand. Okay, there was someone there to put that cake right on the fork and hand it to you, but still it would not move to your mouth. Okay, they’d feed it to you, but your tongue would not swallow it and worse it brought up all the burning acid in your stomach as you ran for the bathroom. Horrible thought, but that’s the reality of it. My OB told me it was hyperemesis gravidarum and prescribed Zofran which is commonly given to patients undergoing chemo. It supposedly blocks the messages to the brain that tell your stomach to retch and thus you do not vomit and it also should make you less nauseaous. Well, it was a waste of our money and the insurance company's as well (not that I ever feel sorry for those people). With all that I was still losing weight.

For Christmas my parents got me a ton of maternity clothes. They didn’t get them for me because I was outgrowing my clothes, but because my clothes had outgrown me. If I stood up and pulled down on my jeans or pants without unbuttoning or unzipping them, they would slip right off. I was excited to have the maternity clothes, even though I felt like crap, I figured I could look better. I was 5 months pregnant. Well, I tried them on and they were all too big. Motherhood was wonderful at letting me exchange them. I remember being in the fitting room and trying on a pair of stretch khaki pants in a medium (I weighed 172 pounds when I got pregnant) and they fit wonderfully. I even had the room needed in the waste for my belly to grow out. After I got them on, I stepped out of the fitting room to show my husband and remarked at how skinny I was. The other pregnant women looked at me like I was insane.

I was teaching that year in Berkeley, MO., avery low income school, in a self-contained class for students (all boys) with behavioral and emotional disabilities. When they found out I was pregnant they became wonderful care givers. The school was amazing at accommodating me and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, but we got through it. Largely because of my students who would make me eat Popsicles and candy which were my OB’s instructions. My husband and I were living with my parents and building a house and I was so glad to have them there to help take care of me. (Could have lived without my dad frying onions one night, but I’m sure I’d have thrown up anyway.) My parents cared for me the best they could, but mostly served to just comfort me after long periods on the bathroom floor. Despite all sickness and lack of nutrition or vitamins (my OB told me not to try to take them), Carson was born at exactly 37 weeks, healthy, and strong. He was 6 pounds and 1 little ounce. I was down 38 pounds. He was my blessing and totally worth all I’d been through.

If you are still reading this then, wow, I’m impressed with your commitment. Thank you.

Well fast forward to summer of 2006. We decided to try for baby number 2. I expected to be sick, as I was with Carson, but my OB I had with Carson's pregnancy had told me that it was very severe and led me to believe that it was as bad as it could ever be. I knew what I was in for and I was ready if the hyperemesis struck again. I’d handled it before as a working woman and I was planning to stay home with Carson that year so I assumed it would all be fine. Well, you know what people say about assuming.

We started trying to get pregnant in late July. We just did the every other day thing, we didn’t do anything special to try and time things right. I got pregnant right away, to my surprise. Just a couple weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I was so excited and slipped a surprise note into my husband’s lunch for the next day. He called at lunch very thrilled. Then just about a week later the bleeding started, got heavier, and stopped just a few days before my first appointment to see my new OB. I knew what it was. I was devastated. I hate people who think that an early miscarriage is not painful or that if you have a successful pregnancy later that it’s forgotten. That child is not forgotten to me and won’t ever be. Yes, I know the whole, “almost every woman has early miscarriages that they don’t even know about.” But that doesn’t change the fact that I knew about a baby inside of me and that the blood I saw was the loss of that baby. Gross to you, but it’s the reality.

Luckily, I did get pregnant again right away, in fact, the next month without ever having a period in between. I had an appointment at that new OB for a pap the week that I got that new positive test. I was in the office and told the nurse that I was there for a pap, but I actually think I’m pregnant. She explained that the test could have been wrong due hormones left in my body from the baby I had just lost and had me take a test. She came back quickly and said, “yes you are pregnant!” My new OB, Dr. Chen, came in and talked to me and did an u/s that day. I told him that we’d only had sex a couple times in between the m/c and the new positive and he asked me why I had tested if we weren’t trying. I told him because I was feeling sick, very sick. I gave him my history with Carson’s pregnancy. He monitored me very closely and I came in weekly for the first few months and every other week after that. By 6 weeks (only 2-3 weeks into knowing about my pregnancy) he started me on home health nursing because the vomiting had gotten so bad. I had a wonderful nurse through Matria, named Julie. She was wonderful as was the entire staff there. The real blessing however was being near my family. My care required 24/7 IV therapy and a pump inserted in my belly. Not a moment off it unless it infiltrated and I had to wait for Julie to come stick me again. I stayed with my parents on all their days off. My mom got little done with having to work, then care for Carson and I on her only time off. In just a couple weeks the doctor and home nurse knew this wasn’t going to get better with meds or IV’s and I’d run out of veins that hadn’t been bruised or blown so they sent me for a PICC line to be inserted. I was so terrified of it because foolish me read all about PICC lines and complications on the internet before my appointment. My dad drove me to the appointment and waited with me until my sister arrived. My father is awful at the sight of blood. I can remember having a mole removed as a child and he passed out while at my side. Despite his fear of blood, my sister was running late and he wasn't backing down, wasn't cutting out, even when they called me back to the area. He was in this for me and ready to go the distance. Lucky for him my sister arrived in time. She held my hand and stood next to me for the actually very quick and painless procedure. I know that I'd have been a crying ball of nerves aggravating the doctor if she hadn't been there with me. Being cooped up for a couple months in a house hooked to tubes and meds was making me crazy. I was so happy the day that my mom looked at me and knew I needed out of the house. I was weak and tired and needed to preserve the few calories I took in through the PICC so I never went anywhere besides the doctor, home, and my parents. One day, my mom put Carson and I in her van and took us to the mall. She got me a wheelchair from the mall. I’m not a huge shopper, but being there and buying baby clothes was what I needed. She new that. We had the occasional trip to Target and here and there. She made sure I was sitting, rolling, and resting. She watched my face and coloring and was quick to make me rest when I needed too. She even caught me when I thought I was holding my screaming, thrashing 2 year old through a haircut and passed out. She asked me several times if I was okay and despite my telling her yes, she was mindful that I thought I was tougher than I was and was there to catch me and lean me into a chair.

My sister and my mom were there for the birth of both of my boys. My mom was there to calm me and support both Greg and I. My sister was very calming to me and she made me feel cared for because she’s outspoken and made sure that I got what I needed. It meant Greg never had to leave my side and that’s what I needed. I always thought I’d want to be with only Greg in the delivery room. Even up until the moment I went into labor with Carson. My mom and sister knew that I wanted them and whomever else at the hospital, but not in the room and they didn’t expect to be in the room, pressure me to be there, or even ask. I made them stay, and told them not to leave me during Carson's labor and I’m glad I did. They weren’t really involved and stood far back taking pictures, but the idea that they were there was important to me. I planned for them to be there with Nathan’s birth. My again, very wonderful husband, did not care. He wanted me to have what would make me feel best and that’s all that mattered to him.

There's some background on my family and in the next couple days, I'll post again and let you (as if anyone is reading this) know why I speak of forgetting and the pain that comes from the forgotten.